Three years ago, I received an e-mail from songwriter Jayne Olderman, who had just recently seen The National Geographic's piece on my and Sonntag's 2000 journey to Alaska. Inspired by the photo of me burying my head in Sonntag's fur after he had just been put down, she wrote a beautify song (Let Your Heart Be Broken) about grieving the loss of a loved one. (You can hear that song on YouTube here.) I had intentionally not listened to the song over the last three weeks because I wanted to grieve Leben on my own. Thinking that the worst of my grief was over, I listened to the song today for the first time and discovered that the worst of my grief is not over. When I first heard the song three years ago, 10 years after Sonntag's death (11 years after Kessie's), the words were moving for me. But listening to them now and understating the depth of my recent loss of Leben, the words moved only tears, every word. My guess is that at the end of each day on this trip, I will play that song to keep the memory and feeling of Leben with us on the trip as I try to record my thoughts about my two dogs for a book I may write about our journeys together.
Although I hope to keep Leben's memory alive on this trip, at whatever cost in emotions to me, the trip is for Erde. Leben is gone. I know that. Erde is the one left behind. If Leben had had a choice, he would have wanted Erde to go first so she would not be the one left behind. He was so deferential to his sister their entire lives together. Oh, sure, they had their scrapes over toys. Erde always wanted the toy or rawhide bone that Leben had, and often it was the other way around. I was frequently called in to referee the match, and I tried to be fair. Neither dog was my favorite. I viewed them as a team and am proud of the fact that I never favored one over the other. But Leben's job was to watch over me, and Erde's to guard the periphery of wherever we were, so I felt Leben's presence more than Erde's. But now, Erde is alone so I have to take on the job of being not only her guardian, but her older brother. I pray that I am able to carry these roles out for this fun-loving, magnificent dog.
When I journeyed to Alaska with Sonntag in 2000, every day my thoughts went out to Kessie, Sonntag's sister who died in 1999. The only regret I had for that trip was that Kessie was not there with us, except in my heart. I do not want to diminish the trip this year for Erde, because it is her trip, so I will hold off on expressing any such regrets this year until it ends. Perhaps I won't regret it at all since Leben's death is so close that his presence will probably be felt.
I cannot imagine that I will ever take a road-camping trip in the future without my dogs. I have never taken one yet in the more than 62,500 miles and 292 days and nights of my six trips so far. The dogs are not only the reason for the trips, but they are the centerpiece for them while we are on them. So it is possible that this could be my last road trip ever, but I am not thinking of that now. Who knows, Erde might surprise me and still be here next year at this time, and if so, we will set out again for some roads already traveled or not traveled by us.
ED
Saturday, August 30th #2
If anyone reading these blogs hasn't figured it out yet, I take these road trips for my dogs. Not only to treat them to the sights and smells of what seems to be an endless chain of wonderful campsites that spread out like a string of pearls across this great continent, but to give tem some time alone with me. Of course, I derive a big benefit myself, spending time with two (now one) wonderful companions in settings that no words I might write could do justice to. And so it will be with this trip, with Erde, although the memories of Leben are sure to be at least on the edges of our days on the road.
Over the last two years since Leben's paralysis, my attention had to be focused on Leben. He was surely my first priority, and that consumed a lot of time. But my second priority was Erde. "Don't neglect Erde," was my second mantra. I think I did a pretty good job at it, mostly because Erde is not a very demanding dog. She is far more independent than Leben ever was, and always seemed to prefer to remain on or retreat to the periphery. Some nights she would prefer to stay outside the tent for as long as I would permit her, rain or snow, tethered, of course, to a 15 foot leash so she would not wander off, as she is wont to do. Perhaps the most obvious way I did not neglect her was to take her out on walks with her alone in the morning and evening, after I tended to Leben at home. This had an added benefit of getting her used to being separated from Leben, preparing her (and Leben) for the inevitable final separation that just arrived. Those walks alone with her were hard on me because I always considered them a team, with Leben providing the serious side of it and Erde the fun part. Their personalities were as different as night and day, but when they came together as a team, it was almost as if they were one dog.
Although I feel that I did not neglect Erde, I did miss out on one important thing. Now that Leben is gone, I am seeing that Erde all of a sudden aged two whole years, and I missed out on her transition from the playful 11-year old puppy she was two years ago to an old dog today. So, in a sense, I lost two dogs three weeks ago, Leben, and the Erde I knew before Leben's paralysis set in. But I can deal with this, and am. Walks that just four weeks ago took only 10 minutes now take more than 20, as I walk slowly with Erde, letting her stop at every smell or dog she encounters along the way. I have already told her that her days of discipline and training are over, and she gets to do whatever her heart wishes. If I have one priority for myself involving her, it is to make up for the last two years.
Below is a photo of the fun Erde I knew about 9 years ago, and beneath that is a photo of her on Vancouver Island last year.
Over the last two years since Leben's paralysis, my attention had to be focused on Leben. He was surely my first priority, and that consumed a lot of time. But my second priority was Erde. "Don't neglect Erde," was my second mantra. I think I did a pretty good job at it, mostly because Erde is not a very demanding dog. She is far more independent than Leben ever was, and always seemed to prefer to remain on or retreat to the periphery. Some nights she would prefer to stay outside the tent for as long as I would permit her, rain or snow, tethered, of course, to a 15 foot leash so she would not wander off, as she is wont to do. Perhaps the most obvious way I did not neglect her was to take her out on walks with her alone in the morning and evening, after I tended to Leben at home. This had an added benefit of getting her used to being separated from Leben, preparing her (and Leben) for the inevitable final separation that just arrived. Those walks alone with her were hard on me because I always considered them a team, with Leben providing the serious side of it and Erde the fun part. Their personalities were as different as night and day, but when they came together as a team, it was almost as if they were one dog.
Although I feel that I did not neglect Erde, I did miss out on one important thing. Now that Leben is gone, I am seeing that Erde all of a sudden aged two whole years, and I missed out on her transition from the playful 11-year old puppy she was two years ago to an old dog today. So, in a sense, I lost two dogs three weeks ago, Leben, and the Erde I knew before Leben's paralysis set in. But I can deal with this, and am. Walks that just four weeks ago took only 10 minutes now take more than 20, as I walk slowly with Erde, letting her stop at every smell or dog she encounters along the way. I have already told her that her days of discipline and training are over, and she gets to do whatever her heart wishes. If I have one priority for myself involving her, it is to make up for the last two years.
Below is a photo of the fun Erde I knew about 9 years ago, and beneath that is a photo of her on Vancouver Island last year.
Saturday, August 30th
A few snags developed yesterday, as they always seem to in these last days before our planned departure. But, as in the past, I will deal with them and get on with it. One snag was that Erde developed a urinary track infection. Fortunately, I was able to get into the vets right away and it is localized to the urinary tract (and did not affect her kidneys) and treatable by a simple anti-biotic. The second snag was that I discovered a fraudulent charge made to my credit card, which could delay the trip till Tuesday or even Wednesday to wait for a new card. Another snag was that the FBI agent who was to stay in my condo housesitting for me while on a training program here in D.C. had to change plans, but he found another agent coming to the same program for me.
I also wasted five hours on Thursday trying to upload from and download to my iPad, which I only do once a year. It seems that the few things I use in iTunes changed so dramatically over the last year, I had to relearn the whole thing all over. I was anxious to get a number of the videos of Leben and Erde from our previous trips onto my iPad so I can rekindle the memories of those two guys together on our trips. It is Erde's trip, but preserving the memories is important to me.
I have passed the three-week point since Leben was put down, but I don't feel any lifting of the grief of losing him. I am still in disbelief that he is no longer here because he went so quickly. Just the day before I discovered his tumor I was thinking her was here for the long run. I guess he was, but I just didn't know that the long run had already arrived.
ED
I also wasted five hours on Thursday trying to upload from and download to my iPad, which I only do once a year. It seems that the few things I use in iTunes changed so dramatically over the last year, I had to relearn the whole thing all over. I was anxious to get a number of the videos of Leben and Erde from our previous trips onto my iPad so I can rekindle the memories of those two guys together on our trips. It is Erde's trip, but preserving the memories is important to me.
I have passed the three-week point since Leben was put down, but I don't feel any lifting of the grief of losing him. I am still in disbelief that he is no longer here because he went so quickly. Just the day before I discovered his tumor I was thinking her was here for the long run. I guess he was, but I just didn't know that the long run had already arrived.
ED
Friday, August 29th
It has been three weeks since Leben was put down. They say the worst part of grieving over a loss lasts three weeks. That may be the case, but I suspect that I will be grieving the loss of that magnificent dog for a long, long time. I hope that is the case because it is the grief that replaces the bond, and when the grief is gone, the connection is lost, too.
Every night in the tent over the last several road trips with Leben and Erde, I played some music that I wanted to remember our trips and them by. One of those musical pieces was Fur Alina by Arvo Part. I had played that piece constantly in the two days before Leben died, and played it when he was being put down in our home. If the grief of losing him ever disappeared, I wanted something to trigger it and the wonderful memories I have of 13+ years with that magnificent dog and his sister. This morning, when I played it, there was still grief. But for the first time in three weeks, my head swelled with pride and joy for having had such a wonderful dog for so long.
I am still planning to leave next week on our road trip, wherever it takes Erde and me this year. I plan to stay at campsites the three of us stayed in over these last 13 years, and I intend to play Fur Alina and that other music each night before we retire. If this prolongs the grief, I will accept that. But if it intensifies the joy and pride that I have a right to, I will cherish that. Leben and Erde were a team, and at least this music, and Erde as well, will be the connection to that team on this trip. So, in a way, it will still be a road trip with Leben and Erde, but the trip will be for Erde, to start making up to her for any neglect she might have gotten over the last several years.
Every night in the tent over the last several road trips with Leben and Erde, I played some music that I wanted to remember our trips and them by. One of those musical pieces was Fur Alina by Arvo Part. I had played that piece constantly in the two days before Leben died, and played it when he was being put down in our home. If the grief of losing him ever disappeared, I wanted something to trigger it and the wonderful memories I have of 13+ years with that magnificent dog and his sister. This morning, when I played it, there was still grief. But for the first time in three weeks, my head swelled with pride and joy for having had such a wonderful dog for so long.
I am still planning to leave next week on our road trip, wherever it takes Erde and me this year. I plan to stay at campsites the three of us stayed in over these last 13 years, and I intend to play Fur Alina and that other music each night before we retire. If this prolongs the grief, I will accept that. But if it intensifies the joy and pride that I have a right to, I will cherish that. Leben and Erde were a team, and at least this music, and Erde as well, will be the connection to that team on this trip. So, in a way, it will still be a road trip with Leben and Erde, but the trip will be for Erde, to start making up to her for any neglect she might have gotten over the last several years.
Leben (left) and Erde overlooking the Gulf of St. Lawrence on the border of Quebec and Labrador, August 2011
Sunday, August 24th
Today, I hope to start the packing I had planned to start three weeks ago for another road trip with my dogs. Only Erde will be going with me on this trip, although Leben will surely be with us in my heart, and I am sure Erde's. I hope to get on the road by next weekend, but I said that before. Fortunately, three weeks will have elapsed by then since I had to put Leben down, so I hope my deep grief by then will have been replaced by the joy of having had such a magnificent dog for so long, and what a magnificent dog Leben was, and Erde, too, still is.
When Sonntag, my previous German shepherd became paralyzed and wheel-chair bound in 1998, I set as one of my top two priorities to "not neglect Kessie." While I did my best to honor that, I fear that she got the short end of the stick, even more so since her own life was shortened due to an accident that occurred while I was tending to Sonntag's needs. When Leben became paralyzed in 2012, I set a similar priority for Erde, and I hope that she believes in her won way that I honored that. I believe the way I managed both Leben and Erde these last two years gave me the chance to bond somewhat with Erde, since she never really bonded with me before as Leben did. She didn't need me because she had her brother, with whom she had bonded long before I came into the picture. But it also gave Erde the chance to have a life separate from her brother on two walks each day, which might have made the final separation less painful for her.
Despite two years' warning of their final separation, Erde is still taking the absence of her brother pretty hard. I am doing all I possibly can to ease that pain, to make her feel like the special dog she really is. But amidst the pressures of managing Leben and hope to give him a pleasant life, I overlooked the fact the Erde herself was aging. The Erde I thought I had two weeks ago was the one who was so lively and playful on our trip to Labrador three years ago. Now, trying to see through what is her grief, I find that the Erde I now have a 13-year old German shepherd, with a graying muzzle and slowing gait, with less an interest in playing than just enjoying the few serious things in life that make for a content dog.
I am mindful now more than ever that our dogs are not with us forever, and that they could be here one day and gone the next. So, my two top priorities, manage Leben to the finish live and don't neglect Erde, have been replaced with one, to treat Erde every day like the special dog she has always been for however long she is with me as my only dog. This upcoming trip, therefore, will be my way of paying her back for being such a loyal, tolerant dog these last two years, and for helping me manage her brother to the finish life. How happy I am to be able to make this trip with her.
When Sonntag, my previous German shepherd became paralyzed and wheel-chair bound in 1998, I set as one of my top two priorities to "not neglect Kessie." While I did my best to honor that, I fear that she got the short end of the stick, even more so since her own life was shortened due to an accident that occurred while I was tending to Sonntag's needs. When Leben became paralyzed in 2012, I set a similar priority for Erde, and I hope that she believes in her won way that I honored that. I believe the way I managed both Leben and Erde these last two years gave me the chance to bond somewhat with Erde, since she never really bonded with me before as Leben did. She didn't need me because she had her brother, with whom she had bonded long before I came into the picture. But it also gave Erde the chance to have a life separate from her brother on two walks each day, which might have made the final separation less painful for her.
Despite two years' warning of their final separation, Erde is still taking the absence of her brother pretty hard. I am doing all I possibly can to ease that pain, to make her feel like the special dog she really is. But amidst the pressures of managing Leben and hope to give him a pleasant life, I overlooked the fact the Erde herself was aging. The Erde I thought I had two weeks ago was the one who was so lively and playful on our trip to Labrador three years ago. Now, trying to see through what is her grief, I find that the Erde I now have a 13-year old German shepherd, with a graying muzzle and slowing gait, with less an interest in playing than just enjoying the few serious things in life that make for a content dog.
I am mindful now more than ever that our dogs are not with us forever, and that they could be here one day and gone the next. So, my two top priorities, manage Leben to the finish live and don't neglect Erde, have been replaced with one, to treat Erde every day like the special dog she has always been for however long she is with me as my only dog. This upcoming trip, therefore, will be my way of paying her back for being such a loyal, tolerant dog these last two years, and for helping me manage her brother to the finish life. How happy I am to be able to make this trip with her.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
I decided today that Erde and I will aim to get on the road for some kind of a trip in two weeks, Labor Day Weekend. While logistically it will not be the same trip it might have been, it will be the same emotionally. Whereas on prior trips I experienced great joy in having my dogs with me, now I will experience that plus the joy of having had them for so many years.
I have no idea where we will set out for or end up on this trip. My only goal will be to help Erde get over her grief for the loss of her brother, to bond with her, as we did not have the chance before, and to deal with he own situation of getting old. She could be gone tomorrow herself, just as Leben went so quickly.
Ed
I have no idea where we will set out for or end up on this trip. My only goal will be to help Erde get over her grief for the loss of her brother, to bond with her, as we did not have the chance before, and to deal with he own situation of getting old. She could be gone tomorrow herself, just as Leben went so quickly.
Ed
Friday, August 8th, Leben
Leben was put down today at 1:00 p.m. The doctors diagnosed what he had as a tumor. I took him home on Wednesday and his condition deteriorated rapidly over the next two days. By Thursday night, he had lost his entire pleasant life. Today, the vet came to our home and put him down as I held him in my arms. Nature tried many times to take this dog down and failed, but finally found an insidious way to do it. Never did I imagine that a dog could be so loyal and obedient as Leben was. He was the consummate good dog.
On Monday, I shall take his body to the pet crematory myself in West Virginia and stay by his side until I can take his ashes him. He always wanted to be with me, and I shall honor that even in his death.
I do not know what our plans are for the trip this year. I will decide in a few weeks after I give myself time to grieve over the loss of my buddy. My number one priority now is to help Erde get over the loss of her life-lone companion, to bond with her, and to give her the love and attention she deserves as she enters her final months on this earth.
I miss Leben so much already. I miss the team of Leben and Erde.
ED
On Monday, I shall take his body to the pet crematory myself in West Virginia and stay by his side until I can take his ashes him. He always wanted to be with me, and I shall honor that even in his death.
I do not know what our plans are for the trip this year. I will decide in a few weeks after I give myself time to grieve over the loss of my buddy. My number one priority now is to help Erde get over the loss of her life-lone companion, to bond with her, and to give her the love and attention she deserves as she enters her final months on this earth.
I miss Leben so much already. I miss the team of Leben and Erde.
ED
Tuesday, August 5th...Leben
I took Leben back to the hospital tonight to try to figure out what is going on, a tumor or an infection. So far, the repot is not good, but I will hold out hope that it is an curable infection from some kind of spider bite or something, as happened to him four years ago.
I have had five German shepherd dogs over 41 years. I loved them all just the same, but I never imagined that a dog could be so loyal and obedient as Leben. I will do whatever it takes to restore his quality of life, if that is possible. But I have to realize that he is 13 and a half years old and 125 pounds, and so he has had a very full life., especially for a paralyzed dog.
I have had five German shepherd dogs over 41 years. I loved them all just the same, but I never imagined that a dog could be so loyal and obedient as Leben. I will do whatever it takes to restore his quality of life, if that is possible. But I have to realize that he is 13 and a half years old and 125 pounds, and so he has had a very full life., especially for a paralyzed dog.
Monday, August 4th
While I am still dealing with a little trip-delaying snag of my own which must be resolved before I get on the road, another popped up suddenly, with Leben this time.
This morning, as I was checking Leben's ears for signs of an infection, after I finished, I patted him on the head as I usually do after things like that. He cried out in pain, which is quite unusual for him because he is such a stoic dog. I then noticed that where I had patted him on his head there was a huge hard lump, perhaps the size of the top hall of an orange. I am sure this wasn't there last week as I often pat him on the head. Maybe it was but it just didn't hurt him then and he did not cry out in pain. I immediately took him to the vet today. The vet took a needle sample of the fluid in the lump and could not go any further with the diagnosis until the culture report comes back from the pathologist. She was hesitant to give me any idea what it is, but I gathered that if she had, it would have been a tumor. She had never seen anything like this before, but then again, she is a resident just out of medical school a couple of months ago.
This is a trip-stopper until this is resolved.
I cannot believe that over the last four years, some problem or another has popped up with either of my dogs in the two weeks before our schedule trip.
I guess the good news is that if this was going to happen anyway, instead of happening as the result of something Leben did or encountered at home, it is best it happened here and not on the road. Also, I guess it's good that the trip got delayed a few weeks so I could deal with this at home. Maybe there's a silver lining in everything.
ED
This morning, as I was checking Leben's ears for signs of an infection, after I finished, I patted him on the head as I usually do after things like that. He cried out in pain, which is quite unusual for him because he is such a stoic dog. I then noticed that where I had patted him on his head there was a huge hard lump, perhaps the size of the top hall of an orange. I am sure this wasn't there last week as I often pat him on the head. Maybe it was but it just didn't hurt him then and he did not cry out in pain. I immediately took him to the vet today. The vet took a needle sample of the fluid in the lump and could not go any further with the diagnosis until the culture report comes back from the pathologist. She was hesitant to give me any idea what it is, but I gathered that if she had, it would have been a tumor. She had never seen anything like this before, but then again, she is a resident just out of medical school a couple of months ago.
This is a trip-stopper until this is resolved.
I cannot believe that over the last four years, some problem or another has popped up with either of my dogs in the two weeks before our schedule trip.
I guess the good news is that if this was going to happen anyway, instead of happening as the result of something Leben did or encountered at home, it is best it happened here and not on the road. Also, I guess it's good that the trip got delayed a few weeks so I could deal with this at home. Maybe there's a silver lining in everything.
ED
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